I had an abortion. Yes, I said it. My worst fear came true: becoming pregnant. I never thought that would ever really happen to me. And it did. Once I became used to it, I felt like I had accomplished something. I felt like I had conquered a huge fear, and there really shouldn't have been such a stigma about it in the first place. The process was very saddening, overwhelming, painful, and gassy. I felt like I didn't know my own body anymore. I had terrible cramps, and my boobs felt like huge bags of rocks. I knew I was pregnant when I woke up in the middle of the night because my boobs were hurting so badly. At that moment, my stomach did backflips. I could possibly be pregnant.

It was also a hard experience for boyfriend, Jon. We became closer emotionally, but being intimate was a whole different chapter of weirdness. He felt guilty for wanting to have sex with me. Whenever I would initiate anything, he would say "baby, I think we should wait a little while longer." I wanted to scream. I wanted to feel sexy through all this hardship on my body.

The actual procedure was not too terrible. I had to take a shit ton of pills, like antibiotics, painkillers, anxiety reducers, and a "cervix ripening pill." Yes, you heard that correctly. My cervix needed ripening, like it was a green mango in your grocery store's produce section. The awful part was having to wake up at 4 am and shove two pills up my vagina. This supposedly "widened my cervix to help with dilation, and decrease pain." For whatever reason, I didn't think I got the pills high enough up my vaginal canal, so I woke up Jon. Our conversation went something like this:

"Hey honey. Can you check to see if the pills are up there?"

"Wait, if the pills are UP there? What do you mean?"

"Can you stick your finger up my vagina and feel for some pills? They're cervix ripeners."

"Uh, okay I guess."

"I'm going through a lot today. Just help me out."

A couple hours later I took 2 hydrocodone and a valium. I was pretty fucked up. We got in Jon's truck, and I was so happy the sun was out. Jon was tired and quiet. I could tell he was nervous about my procedure, because he kept quickly changing the radio station, and kept twisting to crack his back.

The procedure itself wasn't bad. Even though I was so messed up on painkillers, I was still relatively lucid. The nurse was super sweet and lovey-dovey. Her name was Linda. She seemed like one of those cool aunts that wore Tevas, had effortlessly wild salt-and-pepper curls, and rocked turquoise jewelry from New Mexico. Linda held my hand as the doctor performed the procedure. I honestly had no idea what he was doing, but dilating my cervix was a pain unlike any I've ever felt. It felt like I had fallen into the pain itself, and my ears rang with terror.

I was instantly relieved it was over. I still am. It was an incredible experience. I saw my biggest fear, and let it go, the soul and the emotion itself. Now I feel free.