I just rediscovered this blog after being on a two year hiatus from the online writing world. I have to say, I'm happy where I am in my life. It's a little overwhelming to read about what it was like for me to immigrate to Washington (I chose that word because Washington is literally a whole 'nother world of difference from Florida).
This past weekend I went on a last-minute trip to Fernandina Beach outside of Jacksonville. It was Dugan's wedding. He married a wonderful woman from Ecuador named Andreina. I didn't meet her until I arrived at the airport on Saturday morning after an awful red-eye flight. The arrival was surreal. I was so tired from the lack of sleep, but so excited to see sun and palm trees. For the first time, I felt like my hometown was a foreign place. I couldn't calm myself because I was too overwhelmed. The wedding itself was basically a small ceremony of reciting vows. Andreina cried. I cried. My mom cried. Dugan did not. He had a big grin on his face and held her hands. It really showed a loving support that I've never seen before.
Where else to begin?
Well, I feel like a grown up these days. No husband or kids. Just a garbage disposal, health and dental insurance, savings account, zero student loans, and an exercise routine.
I am currently working at a retirement home at Greenlake called The Hearthstone. My official title is "Life Enrichment Coordinator." Basically my job consists of convincing people with dementia to move from one area of a room to another, and do a white-board game or lesson of some sort. The job is okay. The benefits are fantastic, and it's really close to where I live (Fremont). However my boss is a mess. She promises a lot of things, but is too unorganized. It is clear to everyone that she is overworked and burnt out. She is only 46, but she looks like shit. I honestly feel really concerned for her. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I started in August. I am trying to last a year there. But who knows, things may completely change.
I currently live in Fremont with Ruth's twin sister, Amanda. It is such an improvement from the Central District. The house itself is really funky. I have a huge trapazoidal-shaped bedroom that has zero insulation, and traffic noise is kind of an issue. But I have my own bathroom and tons of closet space. Thanks to my job that pays much better than my time with AmeriCorps last year, I can now go to Fred Meyer and not feel bad about spending $70 on space-saving shit for my closet, or fancy decorative socks. I'm finally in a financially-stable place in my life, and it feels pretty good. My job isn't that awesome, but it's not terrible. Maybe this is what adulthood is like: having a mediocre job with secure benefits. I still need a car at some point...
Something that has been an ongoing issue is the "b" word: boys. 2012 was all about "beaches," 2013 was all about "booze," and 2014 is all about "boys." And by "boys," I mean the lack thereof. I am currently hooking up with John, my neighbor. It's gotten weird very quickly, or at least in my head it has. I always thought he was handsome. He dated my friend Angie, and they broke up, but still remained FWB because she said he was so good in bed. I moved to Fremont, about three blocks away from John. We started hanging out all the time, and still do. I asked him if he wanted to go to Jacki and Keven's wedding with me. You know, as a friendly date. Of course we got super hammered and made our way back to our shared tent (it was a camping wedding). We were lying in our sleeping bags next to one another. I looked over and him, not saying anything. He swiftly put his hand on the back of my head and moved me towards him. It was hot, but I felt guilty. Angie and her boyfriend were in the tent next to ours. I didn't want them to hear us. Plus, I was so sweaty and gross from all the intense outdoor dancing we were doing. I'm sure my makeup had smeared and my crotch smelled. I didn't let him do anything down there. I wasn't ready. But it really threw me for a loop. The next day, he acted like everything was cool. It was the big elephant in the room.
A week later, I brought it up. He nonchalantly pointed to my room and said "well, we can finish what we started." And we did. The sex was great. He really knows what he's doing. We've continued to do this pattern of getting hammed, stumbling back to each other's houses and banging. But the concerning part is how we are incorporating friendly companionship into the mix. And now my female brain is trying to convince me to like him. I mean, we watch Netflix in bed together, go for walks around the neighborhood, drink beers by the canal, and then finish it off with great sex. It all seems like a relationship, right? Wrong. He doesn't want one. Dugan bluntly put it: "when he says he doesn't want a relationship right now, he really means he doesn't want a relationship with YOU right now." Hard to hear, but it's the truth. So I've been backing off. It's still tempting, though. John has a masculine, symmetrical face, drives a stick-shift 4-Runner, and is a babe magnet. He is emotionally detached, which somehow makes me want more. When he texts me to hang out, my stomach jumps. I act annoyed at his persistence, but it's secretly flattering. I know it's out of convenience for sex, but it still makes my brain think it's because he likes me. I wish this whole physical thing never happened. It's only made things complicated, and made me like someone who isn't returning the feelings.
On a lighter note, I am sticking a pretty strict exercise routine and am feeling great about the changes that are happening with my body. I can see a figure starting to appear as my body fat goes away. I am starting to appreciate my natural shape, and am feeling good about my natural femininity. I am doing Barre, hot yoga, and occasional running. I am trying to fight Seasonal Affective Disorder as much as possible! My ultimate goal is to feel so good about myself that other people are attracted to my spirit in any shape or form. I want to feel good naked. I don't want to feel ashamed about my asymmetrical boobs, my tummy, or the cellulite on the back of my thighs. I want my femininity to make me feel like a sensual goddess that isn't afraid to be touched in uncharted places of my body. That's what I really would like.
This is a lot to catch up on, but I'm glad I rediscovered this blog. I hope to post more in the near future. There is still much more to be said.
This past weekend I went on a last-minute trip to Fernandina Beach outside of Jacksonville. It was Dugan's wedding. He married a wonderful woman from Ecuador named Andreina. I didn't meet her until I arrived at the airport on Saturday morning after an awful red-eye flight. The arrival was surreal. I was so tired from the lack of sleep, but so excited to see sun and palm trees. For the first time, I felt like my hometown was a foreign place. I couldn't calm myself because I was too overwhelmed. The wedding itself was basically a small ceremony of reciting vows. Andreina cried. I cried. My mom cried. Dugan did not. He had a big grin on his face and held her hands. It really showed a loving support that I've never seen before.
Where else to begin?
Well, I feel like a grown up these days. No husband or kids. Just a garbage disposal, health and dental insurance, savings account, zero student loans, and an exercise routine.
I am currently working at a retirement home at Greenlake called The Hearthstone. My official title is "Life Enrichment Coordinator." Basically my job consists of convincing people with dementia to move from one area of a room to another, and do a white-board game or lesson of some sort. The job is okay. The benefits are fantastic, and it's really close to where I live (Fremont). However my boss is a mess. She promises a lot of things, but is too unorganized. It is clear to everyone that she is overworked and burnt out. She is only 46, but she looks like shit. I honestly feel really concerned for her. I'm trying not to let it get to me. I started in August. I am trying to last a year there. But who knows, things may completely change.
I currently live in Fremont with Ruth's twin sister, Amanda. It is such an improvement from the Central District. The house itself is really funky. I have a huge trapazoidal-shaped bedroom that has zero insulation, and traffic noise is kind of an issue. But I have my own bathroom and tons of closet space. Thanks to my job that pays much better than my time with AmeriCorps last year, I can now go to Fred Meyer and not feel bad about spending $70 on space-saving shit for my closet, or fancy decorative socks. I'm finally in a financially-stable place in my life, and it feels pretty good. My job isn't that awesome, but it's not terrible. Maybe this is what adulthood is like: having a mediocre job with secure benefits. I still need a car at some point...
Something that has been an ongoing issue is the "b" word: boys. 2012 was all about "beaches," 2013 was all about "booze," and 2014 is all about "boys." And by "boys," I mean the lack thereof. I am currently hooking up with John, my neighbor. It's gotten weird very quickly, or at least in my head it has. I always thought he was handsome. He dated my friend Angie, and they broke up, but still remained FWB because she said he was so good in bed. I moved to Fremont, about three blocks away from John. We started hanging out all the time, and still do. I asked him if he wanted to go to Jacki and Keven's wedding with me. You know, as a friendly date. Of course we got super hammered and made our way back to our shared tent (it was a camping wedding). We were lying in our sleeping bags next to one another. I looked over and him, not saying anything. He swiftly put his hand on the back of my head and moved me towards him. It was hot, but I felt guilty. Angie and her boyfriend were in the tent next to ours. I didn't want them to hear us. Plus, I was so sweaty and gross from all the intense outdoor dancing we were doing. I'm sure my makeup had smeared and my crotch smelled. I didn't let him do anything down there. I wasn't ready. But it really threw me for a loop. The next day, he acted like everything was cool. It was the big elephant in the room.
A week later, I brought it up. He nonchalantly pointed to my room and said "well, we can finish what we started." And we did. The sex was great. He really knows what he's doing. We've continued to do this pattern of getting hammed, stumbling back to each other's houses and banging. But the concerning part is how we are incorporating friendly companionship into the mix. And now my female brain is trying to convince me to like him. I mean, we watch Netflix in bed together, go for walks around the neighborhood, drink beers by the canal, and then finish it off with great sex. It all seems like a relationship, right? Wrong. He doesn't want one. Dugan bluntly put it: "when he says he doesn't want a relationship right now, he really means he doesn't want a relationship with YOU right now." Hard to hear, but it's the truth. So I've been backing off. It's still tempting, though. John has a masculine, symmetrical face, drives a stick-shift 4-Runner, and is a babe magnet. He is emotionally detached, which somehow makes me want more. When he texts me to hang out, my stomach jumps. I act annoyed at his persistence, but it's secretly flattering. I know it's out of convenience for sex, but it still makes my brain think it's because he likes me. I wish this whole physical thing never happened. It's only made things complicated, and made me like someone who isn't returning the feelings.
On a lighter note, I am sticking a pretty strict exercise routine and am feeling great about the changes that are happening with my body. I can see a figure starting to appear as my body fat goes away. I am starting to appreciate my natural shape, and am feeling good about my natural femininity. I am doing Barre, hot yoga, and occasional running. I am trying to fight Seasonal Affective Disorder as much as possible! My ultimate goal is to feel so good about myself that other people are attracted to my spirit in any shape or form. I want to feel good naked. I don't want to feel ashamed about my asymmetrical boobs, my tummy, or the cellulite on the back of my thighs. I want my femininity to make me feel like a sensual goddess that isn't afraid to be touched in uncharted places of my body. That's what I really would like.
This is a lot to catch up on, but I'm glad I rediscovered this blog. I hope to post more in the near future. There is still much more to be said.
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