The whole Friends with Benefits thing isn't all it's cracked out to be. If anything, it's so much harder that it should be. I never thought I'd be the type of person to be doing this.
My friend John and I have been sleeping together since early August. It was shocking that he made a move like that. He dated my friend Angie for a while, and they did their own FWB thing. She always told me how good he is in bed. She even said she wanted to give him a present for showing her how to orgasm.
Last night he picked me up to go to a party in Capitol Hill. I could tell he had been drinking. He told me that I looked nice (he's usually reserved about compliments), and he was smiling a lot. I found this to be weird, because he's usually preoccupied with finding the next tune to blast on his car stereo. We went to a gas station to pick up beer. His hand grazed my lower back as he walked past me. It was somewhat startling.
Later, after searching for 20 minutes for a parking spot, we parked along Broadway and drank a Rainier. We ended up talking for 45 minutes. He asked me how I felt about our relationship. I sat for a second, stunned and not sure what to say, since he'd never even breached this subject. I felt a knot in my throat, and my stomach was shaking. That didn't stop me from telling the truth.
"Well," I said, "you told me up front that you don't want a relationship, so I never allowed myself to have those feelings for you. I wouldn't do that. I would get hurt. But maybe I already have a little. I mean, how could I not be attracted to you? We spend so much quality time together and we have amazing sex. It feels like we're a couple."
John didn't say anything. He just held a gaze. The street lights made his hazel eyes slightly golden. I looked away and exhaled, feeling relieved that I had gotten that off my chest.
He said "I don't want to hurt you. I care for you, and that makes me sad to hear that. If you want this to stop, we can." That moment was the opportune time to call it quits and move on. But I was foolish enough to give in...again. Something inside me made me feel happy that he felt this way about me, but it'll never be what I would want.
"I like what we have, but it's hard when you leave. I hate to admit that," I said.
John nodded. "Yeah, I agree. I really like being around you. And I really like having you in my home."
I didn't know what to make of it all. Later at the party, I opened up to Angie about what had been going on. She said she knew it all along, and was supportive. But she warned me to be careful; don't let myself get attached. I didn't want to tell her the full extent of it all.
John and I went back to his place and had great sex, like we always do. But it was more intimate than usual. He held a gaze and wrapped his arms around me. In the morning, for the first time, we had sex sober, with daylight shining through his bamboo curtains. I felt vulnerable. But I wanted to be honest with who I am.
I understand that this isn't going to last. It simply can't. I'm not looking forward to investing the energy once again in someone. However, I think it's worth the chance.
My friend John and I have been sleeping together since early August. It was shocking that he made a move like that. He dated my friend Angie for a while, and they did their own FWB thing. She always told me how good he is in bed. She even said she wanted to give him a present for showing her how to orgasm.
Last night he picked me up to go to a party in Capitol Hill. I could tell he had been drinking. He told me that I looked nice (he's usually reserved about compliments), and he was smiling a lot. I found this to be weird, because he's usually preoccupied with finding the next tune to blast on his car stereo. We went to a gas station to pick up beer. His hand grazed my lower back as he walked past me. It was somewhat startling.
Later, after searching for 20 minutes for a parking spot, we parked along Broadway and drank a Rainier. We ended up talking for 45 minutes. He asked me how I felt about our relationship. I sat for a second, stunned and not sure what to say, since he'd never even breached this subject. I felt a knot in my throat, and my stomach was shaking. That didn't stop me from telling the truth.
"Well," I said, "you told me up front that you don't want a relationship, so I never allowed myself to have those feelings for you. I wouldn't do that. I would get hurt. But maybe I already have a little. I mean, how could I not be attracted to you? We spend so much quality time together and we have amazing sex. It feels like we're a couple."
John didn't say anything. He just held a gaze. The street lights made his hazel eyes slightly golden. I looked away and exhaled, feeling relieved that I had gotten that off my chest.
He said "I don't want to hurt you. I care for you, and that makes me sad to hear that. If you want this to stop, we can." That moment was the opportune time to call it quits and move on. But I was foolish enough to give in...again. Something inside me made me feel happy that he felt this way about me, but it'll never be what I would want.
"I like what we have, but it's hard when you leave. I hate to admit that," I said.
John nodded. "Yeah, I agree. I really like being around you. And I really like having you in my home."
I didn't know what to make of it all. Later at the party, I opened up to Angie about what had been going on. She said she knew it all along, and was supportive. But she warned me to be careful; don't let myself get attached. I didn't want to tell her the full extent of it all.
John and I went back to his place and had great sex, like we always do. But it was more intimate than usual. He held a gaze and wrapped his arms around me. In the morning, for the first time, we had sex sober, with daylight shining through his bamboo curtains. I felt vulnerable. But I wanted to be honest with who I am.
I understand that this isn't going to last. It simply can't. I'm not looking forward to investing the energy once again in someone. However, I think it's worth the chance.
No comments:
Post a Comment